1. They Will Use Passive and Aggressive Forms of Guilt to Regain Control of You

“Don’t you know Christians are supposed to forgive? You didn’t practice Matthew 18. You are acting unbiblical towards me.”

“You can’t blame me for how I hurt you. You made me act that way by being so crazy. Anyone would act the way I did if they had to deal with you.”

“I don’t know what I will do without you. I might hurt myself if you leave me.”

Guilt is a powerful manipulation tool, and since narcissists love control, they will love using guilt. Someone who truly loves you won’t make everything about themselves. And while they might not want you to go, someone with true love for you won’t use guilt to manipulate you to stay.

As 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV) states of true love, “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

 

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2. They Will Use Other People in Your Life as Their Puppets to Try to Still Control You

They will go to your pastor, tell them a false story to make you look bad and themselves look good, and then your pastor will come and talk to you about all this, unknowingly being a puppet for the narcissist.

They will call your family members crying, telling them how unreasonable you are acting. Your family will then call you, blaming you for making this person so sad.

Or they will turn your friend group against you, trying to make you feel like you will lose everyone if you choose to walk away from this narcissist.

Stay strong. This is a sign they know they are losing control over you. Hopefully your pastor, family, and friends are mature enough to hear your side of the story and realize they have been manipulated (Proverbs 18:17). If they are not, you have to let them make their own choices while you still block this narcissist from your life.

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3. They Will Do Whatever They Can to Make Things Hard for You

Once a narcissist realizes you are walking away and they can’t do anything to stop it, they will accept this but they will also do everything they can to make your life as hard as possible. They will do this simply out of spite and hatred.

As the old saying goes, “Never wrestle with a pig. You will both get dirty but the pig will like it.” And as Jesus said, “Do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you” (Matthew 7:6).

In other words, the best thing you can do when a narcissist is trying to hurt you is ignore them. What they really want is your attention. The less reaction you give them, the faster they will go away and stop bothering you (Proverbs 26:20).

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4. They Will Try to Control the Public Narrative About the Split Between You and Them

Once a narcissist has accepted they can no longer control you, they will then turn their attention to the other people in their life. Because they don’t want to look bad or be exposed for the narcissist that they are, they will now spend their time and energy telling everyone else why they had to distance themselves from you. They will try to control the narrative for why you two are no longer together.

If they are telling lies to people you aren’t that close to, just ignore them and let it be. If they are telling lies to people you actually are close to and have a relationship with, then warn these people not to listen to this person (Proverbs 13:20).

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5. They Will Move On and Find Someone New to Control Once They Finally Realize You Really Aren’t Going Back

While it might feel like this narcissist will never leave you alone, the fact is they will once they are fully convinced you are not ever going to let them back into your life. If you fight with them or give them hope that if they change they can come back, they will keep trying to control you.

But since a narcissist is so self-absorbed and needy, they will feel like they are dying inside if they are not getting the attention they crave. Ignoring them crushes their ego. Eventually, therefore, they will leave you alone and they will try to begin to control someone new.

While it’s sad to see another person fall for this narcissist’s lies, in the end, each person is responsible for doing their due diligence to assess someone’s past history and current behavior. You can’t save everyone. You have to fully move on and let other people make their own choices.

As Romans 12:18-19 states, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’” 

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